Baby Led Weaning- choking and first foods-what you need to know

Baby Led Weaning~ choking and first foods ~ what you need to know~!

Baby Led Weaning has been around for a while and has many benefits to you and your baby. There are also things you should know before starting this process with your baby.

Benefits of Baby Led Weaning

·      This method of feeding allows you to follow your baby’s lead and let your baby control how much food they eat.

·      Gives them the freedom to explore new tastes, shapes, textures, without the pressure to eat a set amount of food or a specific food.

·      Its way easier on you, don’t have to prepare food, mix up baby food, etc. Its also a lot less costly instead of buying all those baby foods.

·      Improved dexterity for baby: supporting their fine motor movements

·      Rest assured you are feeding your baby more whole foods into their diet

·      They can join the family at mealtime and feel a part of the action

·      They are learning skills of self regulation by being in control of what they eat and at a pace and rhythm that works for them

When to safely start with feeding solids to baby?

 It’s important that baby’s digestive system is ready for solids. Readiness can begin anywhere from 5.5 months to 8 months of age. Treat each child individually and watch for signs of readiness, that may differ from child to child.

·      Baby can sit up well unsupported

·      Hold head steady

·      Pick food up and put in mouth

·      Swallow food.

·      Has started reaching for food, showing an interest in what you are eating.

·      Developed the fine motor skills to self feed, pincer grasp

·      Has lost the tongue thrust reflex (automatically push solids out of their mouth with their tongue)

Good first foods:

10 Good first finger foods for baby:

Make sure their food is soft enough that it can be mashed between your finger an thumb. Put a few pieces on their tray as to not overwhelm them. Cut food lengthwise big enough to pick up

1. ·      Carrots

2. ·      Broccoli

3. ·      Sweet potato, yam

4. ·      Avocado

5. ·      Cucumber

6. ·      Peas

7. ·      Blueberries (big ones cut up)

8. ·      Meat and poultry (organic, free range and local if possible)

9. ·      Salmon

10. ·      Egg yolk (give small amounts at first, gradually build up)

One food at a time, wait for 3-4 days, for possible allergic reaction. Look for these signs:

·      Rash around mouth/cheeks

·      Runny or stuffed nose, itchy eyes, swelling around mouth, eyes

·      Increase in spitting up

·      Diarrhea, vomiting

·      Diaper rash

·      Fussy baby, sleep patterns interrupted

Tips to prevent baby choking while eating solid foods:

don’t panic, this is normal~!

·      Babies have a natural gag reflex, gagging is different than choking; babies have this safety mechanism to prevent from choking. Gagging you can hear, choking you can’t. Your baby will gag, and that’s a good thing, it means they are moving the food that gets lodged at the back of their throat to the front. They will make a funny face, but wait and see and they will use this reflex to push the food forward. They are developmentally ready to handle solid foods at 6 months, so try to stay calm. And let your baby do their thing.

·      Your baby can’t eat exactly what you eat, their kidneys can’t handle the salt, and the spices are too much for them. So, hold the salt… as you are preparing dinner, you can just put your veggies or meat aside before you add in the salt, etc.

·      No hard crunchy foods until they can chew well. Raw carrots, raw apple, (apple is the number 1 for baby’s choking), whole grapes, nuts and seeds, stringy foods (celery), and nut butters thick, use very thin amount.

·      Interesting to not that the research shows that baby’s are no more likely to choke with baby led feeding as opposed to traditional feeding methods.

·      Don’t make the pieces so tiny. Babies don’t have the fine motor skills at 6 months to pick up things that are tiny tiny. Have the pieces be large enough that they can pick them up, but soft enough that they’re safe

·      Make sure they are sitting up in the highchair

·      Popcorn not recommended until 4 years old

·      Small portions, avoid coin shaped foods

·      Play close attention while they are eating

·      Good to know that baby’s windpipe is the width of one of their finger nails

Above all, have fun with it, mentally prepare for their being a mess, try not to sweat what goes on the floor, in their hair, on their lap and perhaps all over you~!

Feel confident that you are setting up healthy and fun associations to food, and mealtimes and give them the space and freedom to explore and experiment with their food. If you are breastfeeding, know that they are getting most of their nutrition from breast milk until one year old so don’t sweat it.

If you want to add extra nutrition to their food, you can add these to sprinkle on their banana, avocado or make cookies or biscuits! Baby Gourmet products

May the force be with you and your mop to clean up afterwards~!

How to find connection with your partner when you have small children?

Movie night in is easy to do…but someone’s got to make the popcorn!

How to find connection with your partner when you have small children.

Parenting little ones is exhausting, especially now with added stress of Covid, and all that brings.  Making time to connect can seem daunting when you brushing your teeth and combing your hair seems hard some days, or that you can barely have time to yourself, or have some semblance of order in your home.

But, the good news is it doesn’t mean date nights out necessarily (and who’s going out much anyway), it means small rituals that you can fit into your daily routines that can make a big difference in feeling connected to your partner.

Here are some simple ideas that you can incorporate, today!

·      Create an evening check in with each other before bed. Yes, there are dishes to do, tidying up of toys, laundry to throw on and emails to send. What can get missed is just 5 or 10 minutes at the end of the day to check in with each other without someone tugging at your pants or trying to get in the middle of both of you. The check in can be as formal or informal as you like but seems to work better if it has some intention to it. So, grab a hot drink, put your pajamas on and agree to meet on the couch at 8:30. Spend 5-10 minutes, 2-5 minutes or so each sharing, how was your day, what went well, what was hard. This helps you come into attunement with your partner and fills them in on your world while you were apart from each other (unless you are working from home, but there was still separation).

·      Once a day commit to sharing one thing with your partner that you appreciate about them. This goes along with the philosophy that we need to make more deposits with those we care about (partners, kids, friends, co-workers), than withdrawals. “I appreciate that you bring me coffee in bed on Saturday mornings”, “I appreciate that you take the kids on Sunday mornings and let me sleep”. “I appreciate that you listen to me and empathize with me when I’m struggling, thank you!” “I appreciate you for who you are”

It can be small everyday appreciations or big ones. Just remember to do it~ especially if you’re not feeling it, it will help to shift the mood.

·     Be sure to incorporate rituals around leaving and coming home. Those are when our attachment systems can get activated. What do I mean by that? We all have an attachment system that we grew up with that follows us into adulthood. We may have had parents who were there for us emotionally, or parents who dismissed our feelings, or were there sometimes and then not at all at other times. Our attachment style can get triggered when our partner leaves without saying goodbye. Best to have an agreement around leaving and returning home, that you will have some form of a physical affection, a hug, a kiss, a high 5, when leaving home and also upon returning. That you both take a moment to drop what you are doing and connect in, perhaps wishing the other person a good day.

·      Date nights are often out of the question especially now with Covid, but a small date night after the kids go to bed is more doable. It doesn’t have to be fancy, make some popcorn, brew up some tea and watch one hour of a series you both enjoy or a movie. Or read to each other, or give and receive a foot massage. Something that helps you connect in another way, and cuddles are always nice while watching your favorite show!

These can be simple, not take too long but can make the world of difference in your day to day and your week. Taking time to cultivate your continued connection helps you build an even stronger container that holds your family together, and your children will feel the strength of that and thrive and grow within it.

The Importance of Play

Play is an essential part of our human experience. We are biologically hard wired for play. As are cats, dogs, rats, monkeys, elephants, lions, and even octopuses!

Babies/children of all races/genders invent and reinvent play over and over again without instruction.

Play teaches children about caring, creativity, helps them socially and supports thinking skills and brain development. Play is a child’s context for learning. Rough and tumble play has been shown to promote early brain development.

Play is extremely important for your baby. It goes beyond supporting their motor skills, but also helps baby learn how to make decisions and search for solutions. Play allows your baby to try new things, and feel the cause and effect of their actions. “If I drop this spoon off my tray it falls to the ground, weeee!”. “Hmm, this block is not fitting into the square hole, lets try this round hole”.

Play is an action system, and has a quality of exploration and spontaneity. Play is process oriented, does not have an end product, or a means to an end, it’s a being, not a doing.

Play encourages your baby to:

• Meet challenges

•  Search for solutions

•  Develop their attention

•  Supports decision making

•  Helps them learn to imitate

• Supports motor coordination

Play teaches your toddler/preschooler about:

• social rules

• practice for life; play house, play build, play make

• supports motor coordination

• social bonding

• manages stress: especially rough and tumble play supports those feel good hormones to get released in our bodies.

• sparks creativity~ big time!

• problem solving

• spatial reasoning and logic

• healthy brain development

• resolve conflicts

• sharing

• strengthens relationships

• improves intelligence

• promotes impulse control and emotional regulation

• better physical health and mental health

• great for life lessons!

 It’s also an opportunity to find real connection with your baby/child

 For some of us, play does not come naturally, it’s hard and painful and not very enjoyable.

Here’s some ideas on how to come into connection and play with your child.

·      Slow your pace down to your child’s pace. For a baby this is at least 10x slower than your adult pace.

·      Be curious about what they are learning, tune in

·      Let your baby/child lead the way with play, even when you think you have a better idea. Enter their world of magic and see if you can learn something from them.

·      Get out of the way and watch, wait and wonder.

Your best toy for your baby is your face, your best toy for your child is you!

And of course, toys are fun to play with. When purchasing a toy, try to buy toys that are open ended. Open ended toys are those that can be played with in a variety of ways.

This block can be a bridge, a wand, a sword, a gate, a bed, a door and many more things.

Open ended toys are 90% child and 10% toy. Let the child do the creating, not the toy!

This leaves space for a child’s input, imagination, problem solving and creativity.

Children need to be able to follow their own impulses, interests and instincts through play. They get to discover what interests them, what they are curious about, and what they want to learn about, and we get the opportunity to support them in their burgeoning desires and interests.

This creates children who are confident, passionate about life and have the self esteem to move forward and go for what they want in life with a sense of purpose.

3 ideas on how to talk to kids! that invites cooperation

Do you find yourself constantly saying certain things over and over with your kids? such as…..“don’t do that”, watch out, stop fidgeting, don’t play with that, sit still”, etc. Do you sound like your parent’s voice and are starting to hate the sound of your voice constantly nagging your kids. I remember parenting my step kids and trying to leave the house for school in the mornings were when big meltdowns happened, and my partner and I lost our temper and repeated things far too many times. I can relate.

 Here are 3 ideas on how to help when talking to your kids: (especially when you are triggered).

1.     Give little bits of information at a time

When we go on and on with kids, they tune us out. Researchers show that our brains can only keep four “chunks of information or ideas in our short-term memory at once. This equates to about 30 seconds (one sentence of speaking).

For E.g. “Tomorrow when I pick you up from school we need to go to the dentist, so tonight you need to brush your teeth well and floss them. Can you pack your toothbrush in your bag so you can brush them before we go to the dentist tomorrow? Oh, and pack your swim bag for the tomorrow morning now because Bill is picking you up on Wednesday and oh we need to get a Birthday present for Derek on our way home tomorrow. Okay?”

Your kid tuned you out after the first sentence. There are too many different ideas here, your child will most likely get confused and tune you out. Especially if your tone is nervous, anxious or accusatory. What you want to do is break it up into separate digestible pieces.

For E.g.”Hey sweetheart, tonight when you brush, can you remember to floss? We’re going to the dentist tomorrow after school. You cool with that?”

The rest of the information can come in bits and spurts in a digestible way.

2.     Give brief instructions with clear expectations.

Parents often feel out of control and try to gain power by nagging, criticizing, and giving multiple warnings so you feel like a broken record. Not much fun for you nor them.

Having said that, as you know, younger children need more instruction and assistance then say your 7 or 10-year-old.  As an effective parent, you allow your kids to take on increasing amounts of responsibility as they grow older.

E.g. “Your 3-year-old is fidgeting at dinner on his stool. You repeatedly tell him, “sit still, you’re going to fall, eat your dinner”

2 minutes later…

“What did I just say? Sit still, you’re going to have to sit here longer, so just eat.”

3 minutes later

“Are you hearing me? You are all over that stool, you are going to fall off and hurt yourself, please pay attention and finish your dinner or no story tonight.

Your child is hearing a tone of disapproval, you are sending the message that you don’t trust them to manage the situation on their own without lots of instruction.

Try this E.g.

“Paul, I’m concerned you are not being safe on that stool. I need you to focus on your dinner. You have 5 more minutes and then I take your plate away and Its bath time.”

This leaves the responsibility in his hands, he continues to distract and doesn’t eat a full dinner. After bath time you can offer him the leftovers from his plate if he’s still hungry. Or, you can choose to tell him he has to wait until morning.

The natural consequence might be that he does fall off the stool if he disregards what you said and doesn’t pay attention. Sometimes this is the best way to learn, through experience.

He will most likely only do that once and learn from it. Logical consequences teach kids to learn from their mistakes, create healthy problem-solving skills and eventually plan ahead, but this takes years of training and we need to be patient as they don’t have a fully functional prefrontal cortex quite yet (and won’t until they are 25, sadly you have a long way to go…) Its baby steps, and sometimes two steps forward and one step back.

Or…maybe you have a 9-year-old who is constantly late for school.

For E.g. “You need to get dressed now, or you will be late for school”.

5 minutes later… “what did I just say? You’re not even dressed yet, I told you, get dressseeedddd now!

5 minutes later …“OMG, you’re still not dressed, what is wrong with you, did you hear anything I just said, I’m losing my temper”

Press repeat each morning…By continually repeating yourself and nagging you are indirectly communicating to your child that you don’t trust them to manage the situation without continual reminders. You are actually training your kids to ignore you. Gulp.

Try a different approach, that actually comes with a different mindset. Be willing to follow through, and in the beginning if you have repeated yourself lots and you start to back off, there will be a period of adjustment where your child will expect the constant reminders.

This will involve sitting them down the night before and explaining that they dynamic is not working for you or them. You want to do things differently so you are less frustrated and you can have better connection with each other. Explain you will ask them once and once only in the mornings from now on, and the rest is up to them. Ask them what support they may need to be more efficient in the morning. Brainstorm, perhaps laying their clothes out the night before? Having a list on their door of what things to do in the morning when they have fog brain? Work collaboratively together. This is a key step in changing the dynamic.

Now you have set the stage for more cooperation.

The following morning, you could say

E.g. “Remember what we talked about last night?  You have your clothes laid out this morning, yay! I’m pleased we are finding a new way to do this morning thing!

 Let’s see if we can work together this morning. We are leaving for school in 45 minutes. 

Please gather up all your school work, if you don’t you will have to explain it to your teachers.”

These instructions are clear and brief and convey a well-defined expectation with a natural consequence. This allows the child to make decisions (conscious or unconscious), so they can learn from their behaviour.

3.     Model listening

Our children learn by what me model daily to them.  When we can listen, really listen to our children and treat them with respect, the same respect we would give a friend or partner, they learn the value of respect and empathy and we teach them valuable and effective communication.

This means attentive listening to them whenever you can, and if you can’t it’s okay to say “sweetheart, I’m cooking dinner right now and need my attention here, I’ll come sit with you and listen to your story in 10 minutes. I really want to hear what happened”.

Otherwise we half-heartedly or resentfully listen, but we are not really present, and our kids feel that. We then expect them to be fully present when we have a request or sometimes demand. It’s not entirely fair.

When we listen to them we show interest, enthusiasm, ask them questions and reflect feelings.

“Wow, your shoe fell off and went flying across the playground, that’s crazy! Did someone pick it up for you? Were you surprised?

“I’m so sorry that your best friend said that mean thing to you, were you sad?”

“You went to the store with Grandpa and he bought you a Popsicle? You lucky girl! Was it yummy? What flavour was it?”

These responses help a child feel important, and worthy of our time, care and attention. When we have an empathetic resonance with them, it helps them develop more interconnected neural pathways to process and make sense of emotion in their world. This all helps deepen and cultivate their social emotional intelligence.

Parents make mistakes every day, so don’t give yourself a hard time when you have a parenting fail and you do the exact opposite of this. Many of us are parenting from very unhealthy role models from our parents and it takes having some self-compassion for when we yell and lose our temper with them. We are works in progress in this parenting thing too.

It’s just about being good enough…and that’s enough.

Making Connection the priority

I wanted to share a recent experience of a parenting win that I witnessed.

Last weekend, I was in LA participating in a conference designed to learn about how to support parents online which was enriching and fun, and on my way home I was at the airport and happened to come upon a mom and her 2 kids having a challenging moment.

I stopped and watched her interaction with them, endlessly interested in how parents handle conflict with their kids. Her son wanted a snack from a place they had already passed and mom was trying to herd her 2 tired boys to their gate. She tried explaining why they were not going back to get the snack he wanted and said "C'mon we have to get to our gate" as she attempted to walk ahead of him. He stopped dead in his tracks, he was clearly upset and they were now at a standstill right in front of the ladies washroom. She tried a couple of times to get him to follow her, but he just stood there looking disgruntled. She saw he was angry, but instead of demanding that he follow her, she paused, walked back over to him, knelt down in front of him, looked in his eyes, took his hands in hers and expressed to him "I can see you are frustrated". At that moment he softened, tears formed, his mouth took that shape that kids have right before they cry, but are trying to hold it in, and he reached out and hugged her.

I was so touched by how she responded to her son in that moment and how the whole interaction they were having went from frustration to openness and vulnerability. Her willingness to meet him just where he was at, offer empathy, and make connection the priority was so heartening to me. So much so that later on I caught up with her at the gate and expressed this to her and was able to really acknowledge her for choosing to parent this way.

Making connection the priority is such an important principle to remember when parenting. It's really what matters most when there is conflict and is the easiest thing to forget in the face of getting triggered ourselves in those heated moments.

How do we do that when we are triggered ourselves is something parents ask me a lot. That is something I will be talking about more in my parenting programs designed to support those challenging moments when we are about to lose our sh%$#t!

Until then, take good care of yourself!

What we know...about supporting children

From research on the brain and a developmental approach to parenting.

1.     Give boundaries…but keep the connection

Sometimes when parents give a boundary and say no, they forget that the connection is still the most important thing. So, next time you set a boundary with your child, have clarity, stand in your “no”, but send them the subliminal message, but I still love you. They will feel it. They may still protest, try another way to convince you, have a meltdown, etc, etc. But most importantly, they will still feel the connection with you, that essentially the love has not “gone away”.

2.     Know where your kids are at!

Meaning, understanding where they are at developmentally, and really, what they are capable of. What does that mean? For example, not expecting your 2-year-old to know how to share yet (they don’t understand ownership at the age 2),  not expecting your 3 year old to not lash out physically when they are frustrated or angry, (they can’t control their impulses at this age), and not expecting your 4 year old to know how to control their emotions (self-regulation comes much later, right now they need co-regulation). These are healthy developmental stages your child goes through and many transitions along the way. Knowing where your child is at and what they are capable of, from a developmental perspective will help give you a better framework from which to parent from, as well as cut them some slack.

3.     Know your child.

Your child is not like your friend's child, who is the same age, nor the kid from down the street. Knowing your child, their particular vulnerabilities, their triggers, their fears, and what makes your child unique is helpful. It can help you know where they need more support, and how you can help them individually so that they can thrive being themselves and be celebrated for just that!

4.     Have a life outside your child

Our children watch us, they watch how we react, how we operate in the world, how we interact. We model it for them. They observe what we advocate for, how we treat others. Children don’t watch what we say, and we can “say” a lot, they watch what we do.

Are we pursuing our passions outside of parenting? Do we take care of ourselves?

So, what makes you, you? What makes you an individual?  What passions or hobbies have you long since forgotten? Can you make time for them now, even if it’s just a few minutes a day?

5.     Play with your child

Recognizing that play, connection, fun, and delight is what helps your child’s brain to grow! Really! Shared moments of delight help to build your child’s social brain. Children feel when we are present with them, when we are authentically having fun with them, giggling together. Using humour with them when things get “serious” can be a great way to change the energy, get out of those stuck places with them and model fun even when there are challenges present. Plus, we will feel better too! It’s a win~win!

Changing the way we parent our children is not an easy task, but your children will thank you for it, and through that, you will create a stronger bond and parenting will get easier, because of the connection between you.

How To Raise Helpful Kids!

How To Raise Helpful Kids!

We all want our kids to be helpful and kind. Children and even babies can naturally be that way. Studies with babies under 12 months show that they notice when others are frustrated and can respond with help. Check out this video!

So, if our little ones do this naturally, what happens when we try and encourage kids to be helpful with some kind of coercion or reward?

Many studies starting from toddlers into school age children show that giving rewards or some kind of manipulation in behavior are rarely successful at producing children that are 'more helpful'. Instead it tends to produce the opposite effect.  They tend to lose interest and motivation.

So, what can we do to support our kids natural intrinsic motivation to be helpful and kind?

• model, model, model: the behaviors we would like to see in our children. Kids don’t learn things by what we tell them, instead they learn by watching us, how we interact with others, and how we engage in the world.
• secure emotional attachment: supporting responsive, consistent care giving with warmth, trust and connection.
• emotional coaching: helps kids learn what is appropriate, how to care for others, and how to regulate their own more challenging emotions. This naturally translates to an intrinsic capacity to be helpful with others.
   

Good values in our children have to be grown from the inside out. When we model those values in our home in combination with safety, warmth and connection, we support them to become helpful, empathetic, caring children that springs from inside their naturally kind hearts.

5 reasons not to walk your baby!

5 Reasons not to walk your baby
Well lets just start by saying babies enjoy it right? They smile and coo when we help them get somewhere.
And plus, we should teach them and they need our help right?

1. The truth is when it comes to motor development, babies are self learners. They are hard wired to go from lifting their head, to rolling, to creeping, to hands and knees crawling and finally upright walking. That is, if they get enough floor time to build strength, coordination and organization in their body.
2. When we walk babies we make them less aware and give them a false sense of balance that they have not discovered on their own. They need to test those limits themselves when their bodies are ready.
3. Balance is not attained if we help them, they learn by falling and getting back up again. This builds strength, body awareness and the coordination necessary for them to walk on their own, in their own time and in their own way.
4. it creates an unnecessary dependence on you. Babies are learning to have their own agency with their bodies and learn independence.
5. Saves your back! try doing this 20 times a day, leaning over....ouch. Your back will thank you!

When should I teach my baby to sit?

Most babies learn to sit up independently between 6-8 months. There is a lot that needs to happen before this however. Your baby needs to be coming into good extension with their upper back in tummy time. Rolling should be well under way, back to front and front to back before you try sitting them. They need to develop upper body strength  coordination and overall body organization,  before sitting is attempted.

Ideally your baby learns how to sit on their own, without you "showing" them, this can happen after they learn to hands and knees crawl in some instances. What is important in babies learning to sit, is that we want them to know how they got into the sitting position, and we want them to know how to get out of it. Otherwise they are "stuck" there.

This is fun for them to be in an upright posture, interacting with us, however, if baby can't get out of the position, they are not learning about their own autonomy. What we are mapping in their body is actually stiffness! Yes, prolonged sitting can cause unnecessary stiffness in their shoulders and hips. Not only that, but when you take that baby who is used to sitting back down to tummy time it will be harder, they will protest!.
If you want them to learn about sitting, I like to practice with babies in what I call a "supported" sit. This is having them between your legs or on your legs if they are younger, and leaning against your body for support. See the picture above. That way they lean their back against you and don't have to stiffen in their joints (primarily their hips and shoulders) to keep themselves upright.

Come learn more about motor development, and have fun in my
Developmental Play With Babies class,

All my toddler says is...NO! ..ugh....

You're not the boss of me

You are not alone if you are going through this! A recent study in Child Development showed that 2- and 3-year-olds argue with their parents 20 to 25 times an hour!

Toddlers are hard wired to go through this developmental stage of learning about themselves. This is a healthy, normal, and and very necessary stage. They need to learn about themselves first, what they like, what they don't like, what their boundaries are, its part of their empowerment as autonomous individuals. They need to test it out with safe adults, that means you!
Sometimes we need to say NO, before we say yes.
So, how to deal with it?

• roll with it
• don't take them too seriously
• acknowledge their no. "I hear you, you don't want to put your pajamas on right now...What would you like to wear to bed?"
• keep your sense of humour: get them into giggle mode, be silly and make them smile or laugh, they will forget their NO.
• Tell your child what you want her to do rather than what you don't want her to do. Focus on what they can do!
• connect with them and try again...for a yes!
• give them choices.."Giving your toddler choices helps satisfy her need to feel in control. "do you want to wear your blue or green pajamas, or a paper bag ;)

Even though this can prove to be very challenging, it is something to be celebrated. Your toddler is individualizing! Coming into themselves!
Just repeat to yourself...."this too shall pass, this too shall pass....!".....

My kids being a rascal....or is he?

Phew... It's normal!
I had a phone consult with a mom the other day. She was concerned about her son and his behaviors. We talked about each one of them in detail only to discover that what he was doing was not "naughty", in any way, but developmentally appropriate and normal at his age.
Yes, your 3 year old is…testing boundaries, saying no..a lot, throwing tantrums, saying a lot of “I do it” in one moment and “carry me” the next. This is normal!
Hearing this was very reassuring to this mom, and then we were able to speak about how she could support her son’s need for independence while still having clear boundaries for him.
This got me thinking... how many other parents are struggling with the same challenges, thinking their child’s behaviour needs to be “stopped, or changed” but not realizing that it may be developmentally appropriate?
According to the research I read, about half of parents believe that children are capable of self-control and other developmental milestones much earlier than they actually are.

Here are 3 behaviours that are just your kid being a kid…

1. Kids don’t have a lot of control over impulses, especially in toddler hood. The part of the brain (prefrontal cortex) that where we learn to control our impulses doesn't fully mature until we reach the age of 25.
2. They can't curb their big feelings. We as adults have learned to do that, we can suppress big feelings, hide them, pretend we are okay when we are actually hurt on the inside. We have developed all kinds of compensation patterns and ways of defending our tender hearts. Kids just let it out, we can learn from their unfettered emotions!
3. Kids are hard wired to play...and move their bodies. This could look to you like they are misbehaving by constantly moving when you are trying to put their shoes on, or smearing their breakfast all over their face. Truth is, they are just being kids....They have a developmental need for unstructured play (which is how our brains learn), and its how they make sense of the world and integrate their experiences.

So, the next time your kid throws themselves on the floor with a meltdown over something seemingly insignificant in your eyes, or runs away from you wanting a game of chase when you are trying to brush their teeth, just remember.."they are not being naughty, or bratty", they are fulfilling nature's plan, and that is to be a kid and make everything a game.
Try joining them in their play, you may just connect with them, and it will probably make those tasks that need to get done happen a little easier!
 

3 Ways to support true independence in your child

3 Ways to support true independence in your child

1.     Encourage their dependence early on. While this may seem counter intuitive, it is the paradox of parenting. We are born extremely dependent on our caregivers to take care of us and fill our needs. The fact is that caregivers who habitually respond to the needs of the baby before the baby gets distressed, preventing crying, are more likely to have children who are independent than the opposite (e.g., Stein & Newcomb, 1994).

Once we have allowed them to depend on us in every way, and filled their cup over and over and over, they will very naturally start to want to do things on their own. “Me do it myself!” is inevitable and it is nature’s way. It’s built into our biology. But first they must be able to rest in our love, rest in being taken fully taken care of.

2.     Trust them: We need to trust our children in their entirety. Trust that they will find their way given the right conditions. When we grow lettuce in our garden from seed, we trust that if we give it the proper soil conditions, the right placement of sun, enough water and love, it will grow into its fullness. We need to learn to trust their failures and successes, their weaknesses and their strengths, their “ugly” emotions and their beautiful ones. We trust they will find their way through it all with support and guidance from us. We can’t “teach” independence, only provide the proper conditions for it to unfold at the right time developmentally.

3.     Know when to back off: It is our job to keep our children safe and protected, but as your child gets older we can invite healthy risk taking. Maybe you refrain from swooping in every time they hurt themselves. Hang back a bit and wait. They might get up on their own and brush themselves off. When we rescue too quickly we deny them the opportunity to see if they can navigate a situation that has some challenge. Let them take risks, how else do they learn what they are capable of, and what the edges are for them? When they do something risky like climb a tree for the first time without us hovering; "I just did that all by myself!",  it builds a sense of confidence and healthy esteem.

When we can do our best to meet their needs, we create an environment of dependence. This creates a feeling of safety, trust and security. This is the secure base from which dependence is outgrown. We need to trust our children and nature's plan. They are developmentally hardwired to naturally move into independence in their own time, in their own way.

The Myth of Self Soothing

The Myth of Self Soothing

I'm sure you have heard these words, "you need to teach your baby how to self soothe, you can't go to them every time they cry, they need to learn this skill early..."
Lets start with what we mean by self soothing. I define it as ‘the ability to calm one's self when faced with a stressful situation, or when in a state of high arousal”.
The capacity to calm ourselves down when we get upset is a pretty sophisticated autonomic nervous system response that requires us to be developmentally ready for. We are designed to regulate through others (co-regulation), this is something we learn from the adults around us. Babies are literally incapable of calming themselves, and to expect them to is unfair and developmentally inappropriate. Can they suck on their hand or thumb and hold off on crying while we do our best to get to them? YES! This is rudimentary self soothing, but once they have started crying and have reached a place of distress, can we expect them to calm themselves down? NO.
Well okay, but can we teach them to self soothe? NO. Why not? because their brains are not ready, they are incapable of this in the early years. They need their neocortex (which develops very slowly over a period of many years), to be able to rationalize, think about something logically and calm ourselves down. Babies and toddlers are operating largely from the subcortical centers of their brain, the brainstem and the limbic system. When in a stressful situation, these lower centers of the baby's/toddlers brain go into a primal survival response commonly known as fight/flight/freeze. For a baby, this looks like crying, screaming, getting mad, then getting hysterical. In nervous system terms, they are in a sympathetic response of high arousal, and once they have gone there, they cannot calm themselves down. It is critical that we step in and support them in this place. Why? because if we don't, they will eventually go into parasympathetic freeze state, otherwise known as withdrawal sleep. For many parents who hire sleep trainers, that involve CIO methods, this is what happens to the babies and by all intents and purposes, the parent may feel the sleep training is a success! "My baby stopped crying on her own! I've taught her how to self soothe". This could not be further from the truth. Your baby's nervous system has gone into a shut down mode, which is a dissociative state for their very survival.
Can this be harmful to them? YES. Why? because the stress hormones that are released from distressed crying, destroy nerve connections in critical portions of an infant’s developing brain and if repeated, can alter their brain structure and responses to stress into adulthood.
What have you taught your baby if you leave them to cry?
That when they really need you, you will not be there for them. Given that building trust (reliability) and establishing communication, which are intertwined, are the hallmarks of healthy infant mental development, it seems unwise to use a method that compromises both.
Self soothing is a behavior that develops once the child’s brain is ready for this. It can’t be rushed.
What can you do to help? Nurture your baby, respond to their needs, let them know you are there. The irony is that when you do this, you are supporting them to be able to eventually develop this skill later in life.

If this article interested you, and you'd like to learn more, come to my sleep seminar and learn how to cultivate healthy sleep habits without damaging your child.

Redefining Discipline

We are on the cusp of a paradigm shift in parenting, to switch from power over to power with.

Much of how we were parented and certainly how our parents were raised to be "seen and not heard" is now starting to change. The traditional approach to discipline has been trying to control our child's 'bad' behaviour and simply make it stop at whatever cost. This is where time-outs, rewards, punishments, and consequences come in. Unfortunately these outdated methods often cause more upset and disconnection. There are 2 reasons why children act out: one is normal child development, and the other is disconnect. Knowing this can be helpful in times of distress. For example, your 2 year old may not be deliberately disobeying you, he may just be doing what a 2 year old is wired to do, explore his environment even though you have told him specifically not to touch something.
Time-outs and punishments may temporarily stop the 'bad behaviour', but have we done anything to help them learn, regulate or do better next time? The answer is no.

What we have done is used fear, emotional and social isolation, and created more disconnection with our children. This will undoubtedly ramp up the undesirable behaviour.

So, if discipline isn't about stopping the behaviour, what is it about? It is about connecting with your child in their time of need.  It's about supporting them by helping them regulate and calm, and then perhaps later seeking a 'teachable moment'  where we can talk about suitable behaviour when their brain is actually able to hear us and take it in.

What we now know through the latest in developmental science is that children aren't capable of much self control (especially in the early years up to 5) because their prefrontal cortex is very immature. They may intend to do better, but the reality is that they are still impulsive and can't self regulate.

Discipline with Connection
As you know, your baby, toddler, child is completely dependent on you for their health and well being. They are also dependent on you for their emotional well being. As their brain grows from the bottom up, their emotional safety is paramount to their development. Your child's greatest fear is loss of connectedness with you.

All challenging behaviors arise from a state of stress, so helping them to cycle into a calm when they are acting out, emotionally upset or physically hurt is key. This helps their brain and nervous system mature, and their stress response centers in their brains become increasingly capable of "self regulation". Over time, with lots of repetition and modelling, these behaviors will lessen as they develop.

3 ways you can support your child when they are presenting a challenging behaviour:
1. Acknowledge the feelings: "I see you are having a really hard time with this, you seem angry with mommy because I took your toy away".
2. Be present with them: and stay connected to yourself, your breath, feel your own feet on the ground
3. Be kind but firm: state the limit, but stay connected. " I can't let you hit the cat sweetheart", and inside yourself you are saying and I'm still here with you.

If you are looking for extra parenting support, don't hesitate to email me for a private consult
Email: bonnie@familycontinuum.com




 

What happens when we say “you’re okay”?

This is a normal response from parents to want their child to feel better when they fall down or something difficult happens and they are having big feelings.  We want them to feel okay again, so we say “you’re okay.” 

What does the child feel on the inside when we say that? What can often happen is that they feel confused. If they are crying, they are clearly ‘not okay’, and their distress is showing us that. When we tell them they are okay, it sends a message that is out of attunement with where they are at in that moment. Just like if you had just fallen off your bike and your partner came up alongside you and the first words out of their mouth were, ‘You’re okay.’ How would you feel? It also sends them the message that we want them to ‘be okay’ as soon as possible, that we are dismissing them, and that perhaps we can’t handle their big expression of feelings. 

So, what is your child’s need in that moment? To be heard and seen for what is actually going on. To be sat with, to be held, to be told something like…” I’m right here”, or “I’ve got you.” And then just sit with them. No more words necessary because in that place they are in a non-verbal part of their brain, so asking them where it hurts etc. can come later. When we do this we give them the message- ‘I see you are upset, I want you to know I’m here for you and I’m listening.’ Essentially we are giving them empathy first. When we give them empathy in those moments we are meeting a deep hunger in them to be seen. it also calms the part of the brain and nervous system that are activated and teaches them how to be with themselves in times of struggle. This slowly helps build self regulation. This is a very important life skill to have. Rather than encouraging them to detach from their feelings, and override what is going on, to be okay for us. Aletha Solter Ph.D. says, "this forms healthy neural pathways and hormone responses within the body that allows the child’s state of equilibrium to come back into balance."

So, I invite you to try this, if you aren’t’ already doing it and see how this changes your child’s experience and your connection with them when difficult things happen.

Dangers of Bumbo

The Bumbo is to help babies sit upright. The company claims the seat stabilizes the child into slight hip flexion which facilitates lumbar extension and many other claims.

If you take a closer look at a baby in the bumbo you will see it does the opposite. It puts the baby's pelvis in a posterior tilt which facilitates lumbar flexion that ends up putting the baby's chest behind their pelvis and then the head has to come too far forward to compensate. Mary Weck, clinical coordinator physical therapy at Children's Hospital in Chicago addresses these claims.

Babies rely on different positions to promote activation of their muscle groups and joint movement to achieve trunk control or pelvic stability. The bumbo locks the child in one position so this cannot occur as well as places the legs at a higher angle than the pelvis so no natural weightbearing can occur.

Babies rely on different developmental positions to learn about shift of weight, develop strength, and organization so they can go through all the developmental movements from lifting the head, to rolling, to crawling, sitting then standing. We are doing babies a disservice when we interfere with their natural progression of development.

To Sit or Not to Sit

To sit or not to sit, that is the question.

Babies spines are C-curved when they are born. As they start to develop muscle control, strength and organization in their bodies (and spend lots of time on the floor), they develop a cervical curve and eventually when they creep and crawl a lumbar curve.

How can we support this? Floor time Floor time Floor time!

By giving babies lots of time on the floor to explore their bodies particularly on their bellies, they start to gain muscle control, learn how to right themselves, learn balance and coordination. and this is what facilitates normal motor development in the first year of life.

Why not sit your babies?

When we sit babies before they are ready, we put unnecessary strain on the spine, we cause stiffness in babies joints, and put babies in a position they can't get out of unless they fall over. It renders them helpless, and unable to actively engage in their environment, and does not support them to have physical confidence or a sense of security. We put them at risk also of delaying or skipping major developmental milestones such as crawling.

What can I do instead?

• Give baby lots of floor time
• Wear your baby
• Practice supported sitting with your baby in your lap leaning up against your belly, so they don't have to hold themselves upright.
• Do nothing! trust their innate desire to move.

“I believe in giving your baby a safe space in which to play and letting her move freely and develop on her own without assisting her. Refrain from propping her up to sit or helping her roll over. She has an innate desire to move through these developmental sequences and has inborn knowledge of how to do it in a way that is ‘right’ for her. She does this at her own pace and she gets pleasure from doing it.”

— Magda Gerber

Here is a video showing a baby's wonderful movement discoveries if left to figure it out on their own!

Is Your Baby Sleeping Through the Night?

Did you know? 

• Babies sleep patterns are different from your own?
• It can take many months before babies become fully adapted to the 24 hour day
• Newborns can’t distinguish day from night
• There is no research to support the idea that falling asleep alone makes children more independent
• Babies sleep patterns differ from individual to individual
• Babies sleep patterns are affected by several important developmental milestones
• Falling asleep is a learned behaviour that takes time

Is Your Baby Sleeping Through the Night?

Come learn about the biology of sleep in babies, and how much brain development is happening while they sleep.  Understand what’s fair to expect a baby to sleep and why night waking is normal. Gather ideas on different sleeping arrangements and how you can create healthy sleep habits that will last a lifetime. Babies are welcome. Presentation is 2 - 2.5 hours long.

You will learn:

• What is normal for a baby to sleep
• What is going on inside the babies brain when they sleep
• What babies are needing from us and how that affects their brain development
• What are their sleep cycles and why
• What is fair to expect from your baby at different ages
• The effects of stress on a babies brain
• How you respond to the baby affects them long term
• Different ideas on sleeping arrangements
• Healthy solution based ideas on how to create healthy sleep habits

8 Alternatives to Using Punishing Discipline with Your Child

We all lose our cool and have our limits. Our children will inevitably push us to those edges, where we are tempted to react, say or do something that we later regret, try one of these instead...

1. Take a pause yourself: disengage yourself, sit down, feel your feet on the floor, take 5 deep breaths and try again. No good will come from us in 'react mode' with our nervous system in fight, flight.

2. Use Humour: sometimes you can completely shift the energy by using humour. Stamp your feet and yell 'I'm so mad'....your child will probably laugh, and so will you!

3. Connect before you redirect: instead of saying, 'put on your shoes were going right now', come join them in their space, see what it is they are doing, take a moment with that, make a comment about it and then redirect their attention to the next task. You'll be much more likely to get cooperation.

4. Find a way to say yes: 'you can't play with the bath toys in the toilet, but we can use a bucket in the sink and take those dinosaurs for a swim'.

5. Don't sweat the small stuff: Is it really a big deal if they don't wear their socks in their boots for that errand to the store? the natural consequence of that is possibly a blister, which will naturally teach them to perhaps not do that in the future!

6. Be specific about our requests: if we say clean your room, sometimes that's overwhelming to a child, but saying 'I want you to pick up all your blocks and put them back in that bucket', that can help them to wrap their head around clean-up.

7. Acknowledge feelings: if your child is frustrated and not cooperating, rather than bypassing their feeling and trying to barrel ahead with the task, name and acknowledge the feeling. 'It looks like you're really frustrated right now Sam, can mommy help you tie your shoe?'

8. Make whatever you are doing a game: kids respond to fun and games. Made up songs can make clean-up or leaving the house fun, using a stopwatch for older kids for clean-up can make it a game and fun, 'who can put the lego back the fastest'.

Feel free to leave a comment below if you tried something new and it worked!

Making Music Together

The benefits of early sharedbook reading have long been established, but what about shared music making with your toddler?

New findings are showing that shared music making with your 2-3 year old, as well as being lots of fun can really boost their social/emotional, and cognitive learning.

What does shared music making look like? Just getting down and jamming with your toddler with different musical instruments, making up songs, singing in the bathtub, car, in bed, at the park!

Keeping it simple and most importantly fun is the key here. The combination of creativity, face to face interaction,  and sound all go a long way to boosting developing literacy and numeracy.