Movie night in is easy to do…but someone’s got to make the popcorn!
How to find connection with your partner when you have small children.
Parenting little ones is exhausting, especially now with added stress of Covid, and all that brings. Making time to connect can seem daunting when you brushing your teeth and combing your hair seems hard some days, or that you can barely have time to yourself, or have some semblance of order in your home.
But, the good news is it doesn’t mean date nights out necessarily (and who’s going out much anyway), it means small rituals that you can fit into your daily routines that can make a big difference in feeling connected to your partner.
Here are some simple ideas that you can incorporate, today!
· Create an evening check in with each other before bed. Yes, there are dishes to do, tidying up of toys, laundry to throw on and emails to send. What can get missed is just 5 or 10 minutes at the end of the day to check in with each other without someone tugging at your pants or trying to get in the middle of both of you. The check in can be as formal or informal as you like but seems to work better if it has some intention to it. So, grab a hot drink, put your pajamas on and agree to meet on the couch at 8:30. Spend 5-10 minutes, 2-5 minutes or so each sharing, how was your day, what went well, what was hard. This helps you come into attunement with your partner and fills them in on your world while you were apart from each other (unless you are working from home, but there was still separation).
· Once a day commit to sharing one thing with your partner that you appreciate about them. This goes along with the philosophy that we need to make more deposits with those we care about (partners, kids, friends, co-workers), than withdrawals. “I appreciate that you bring me coffee in bed on Saturday mornings”, “I appreciate that you take the kids on Sunday mornings and let me sleep”. “I appreciate that you listen to me and empathize with me when I’m struggling, thank you!” “I appreciate you for who you are”
It can be small everyday appreciations or big ones. Just remember to do it~ especially if you’re not feeling it, it will help to shift the mood.
· Be sure to incorporate rituals around leaving and coming home. Those are when our attachment systems can get activated. What do I mean by that? We all have an attachment system that we grew up with that follows us into adulthood. We may have had parents who were there for us emotionally, or parents who dismissed our feelings, or were there sometimes and then not at all at other times. Our attachment style can get triggered when our partner leaves without saying goodbye. Best to have an agreement around leaving and returning home, that you will have some form of a physical affection, a hug, a kiss, a high 5, when leaving home and also upon returning. That you both take a moment to drop what you are doing and connect in, perhaps wishing the other person a good day.
· Date nights are often out of the question especially now with Covid, but a small date night after the kids go to bed is more doable. It doesn’t have to be fancy, make some popcorn, brew up some tea and watch one hour of a series you both enjoy or a movie. Or read to each other, or give and receive a foot massage. Something that helps you connect in another way, and cuddles are always nice while watching your favorite show!
These can be simple, not take too long but can make the world of difference in your day to day and your week. Taking time to cultivate your continued connection helps you build an even stronger container that holds your family together, and your children will feel the strength of that and thrive and grow within it.
